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Behind the Social Media Filters

i-was-abused
Written by ClareWithTheHair

Behind the Social Media Filters 

As a family of four our Social Media friends, family and followers saw how we holiday’d, the way we celebrated occasions, all the fabulous places we ate out at, we visited people, we hosted get together etc etc but Behind the Social Media Filters lay a raging, angry, aggressive, abusive, manipulative, lying “MAN”!

Over the last few months I have written, deleted, edited and re written this piece, I always wanted to have my say because for so long I have been silenced by the “MAN”, silenced by fear and silenced by lies.

The fear that no one would believe me, that his lies and web of story telling was working, that his smear campaign that he had been working on from the moment we meet would make me look like some kind of crazy person. He told me more times that I can count “everyone knows your crazy” , “I will make it my life’s work to destroy you”, “no one will ever believe a bi**h like you” and so on and after years of hearing this you begin to believe it.

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What began as a fairy tale ended in the most horrible way.

One year ago almost to the day I sat on my bedroom floor and wanted to end my life, I sat an cried as the “MAN” ran around the house screaming all kinds of abuse, shoving me, leaning over me, throwing things in my direction before he walked out the door to work. I sat, I cried, I saw no escape from the relentless torture I was subjected to and even at this stage I didn’t know exactly what he was doing, I didn’t know I was being abused, I was so confused by the non stop rages, the web of manipulation, I could not even see this as abuse. I sat on my floor and the only escape I could see was to end my life. I remember a few hours later I text the “MAN” and told him I couldn’t take these rages anymore, I told him how I was feeling and I begged him to lay off. That evening he arrived home in another rage, told me to F off and die and walked away giggling saying “thems are my rules”. Our daughter had a friend over and she was shocked as she had only ever see then charismatic “MAN” the salesman, the all smiling social media filtered guy, not the raging, angry, abusive “MAN” we were living with.

The lies have been vicious, they have been cruel, they have been many and they are just this, lies! When you see him in the smoking area of the local with his equally obnoxious family member, fag in one hand, make up a 90’s drag artist would be ashamed of shouting all kinds of lies it is pretty hard to just walk away, but I have, I refuse to engage on that level with anyone.

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i-was-abused

My eldest daughter was told that “if anything every happens to your mum you are Fuc**d” , “you will be out on the streets”, “you can F off”

Our youngest was told, “your mum prefers your sister” , “I’ll always be here for you even though your mum will not”

There was always some kind of smear campaign, where he would lie to the children, he would talk about me, accuse me and these accusations were one of the things that stopped me even seeing what was going on for so long. I spent my days defending things that I should never have been defending but now out the other side I see I was always accused of the things the “MAN” done but somehow these accusations would come flying and I would be so busy defending them I couldn’t see the reality of what was happening.

I used to excuse so much of the mad behavior because he always had a reason.

One of the most common reasons he used for his rages and abuse, were people he worked with. They were mistreating him, they were scapegoating him when things went wrong, he was treated badly, they talked about him, no one was his friend in work, the girls are trying it on with me because they see a man in a relationship as fair game, the guy treat him badly because his so much softer than them, there are affairs happening and he can’t lie for these people, he would talk badly about their weight, hair, behavior etc etc etc

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Then he would get fired from a job, or bounce from one job to another, again his reason for his rages. He was struggling with the role, he was not going to pass his probation, he is again being treated badly and he isn’t respected. (he always had this sense of entitlement to be respected without ever being respectful to others)

This “MAN” spoke of his hate for his mother, father, sister and brothers. He spoke of the violence his father subjected him to and mother condoned, he spoke of the way his parents treated him like the black sheep and never treated him to the nice clothing, the cool trainers that his siblings all got. He spoke of being sick in bed with a raging fever and his dad turning the bed over with him in it, he spoke of never been taken on a family holiday, he spoke of having to walk the 4 or 5 miles to and from school everyday even thou his mum would drive the siblings, he spoke of the portion controlled, basic plain foods he was fed, and how once when he got a nice gift at Christmas he assumed it couldn’t be for him because he never got anything nice.

He would go from watching TV to pacing about saying “I’m going to go out and kick the F out of him” , he would say that “his dad deserves a beating”, “I’m not the little boy his boxed about anymore”.

The stories of his mum going to the shops, treating herself to nice things and making him watch while she enjoyed them but never sharing. He spoke of how much of a liar she is, how she hated her siblings because they think she is better than them. How much she backed the dad even when he was wrong, but he always said his dad said “even if I am wrong I am right and don’t you forget it”

We were told how his mum had no pictures of him in the house, only pictures of the siblings. How there was no love or affection in the house and that he was always dismissed and treated very badly by the parents and each of the siblings.

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He seemed to have a lot of anger towards his sister and in many rages towards our daughter he would say “stop acting like your bimbo aunt”, he used his sister as a thing to insult his child with. Calling her a dumb B**ch, a slapper, a class A drug F**ked Bi**h. He had a really angry poor opinion of the sister and is was not much better towards the rest of the siblings.

So there was always a reason, his home life made him angry, his work life made him angry and even his school life because I am told (by him) he was also bullied very badly in school, but as you might see he seems to always be the victim and as time passes and I begin to heal from the abuse I see the lies unfolding and I hear the lies being told about me and our children so I question was any of the words he spoke true.

It wasn’t all bad and the rages didn’t start on the level that they ended. This was the genius of his abuse. He was the perfect gent on day one, he wined and dined me, he was incredibly attentive. he was charming, and kind and could not do enough for us but little by little the niceness faded and the rages grew.

I never saw the abuse coming, yet the very 1st time I was subjected to it I was 7 months pregnant but it was short-lived and the kind man returned.

Over time the gaps between the rages lessened, one time I might see a few in the year to seeing them almost daily towards the end.

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Walls were damaged from him punching them or throwing things at them, locks were broken on doors from the “MAN” kicking them in. It was insane.

My eldest daughter was called names daily, she was told that she was lazy, she was told that she would never become anything, she was called a whole host of vile names and told she was useless at everything all the time, she would be screamed at for things she had not done, she would be dragged about, shoved, belted, pushed for absolutely no reason at all. He told he she had bad friends, he told her he that the social anxiety she was suffering from was made up and excuse to be lazy, he told her that she used this as an excuse to opt out of life (we now know the narcissistic abuse he subjected her to was a major factor in her anxiety disorder).

Our youngest daughter was dragged about, screamed at, again accused of all sorts that you couldn’t even defend because it was just made up madness, she had clothes ripped off her while being shoved, glasses knocked off her face, things in her room smashed up and so on, it was horrible.

He made her think that I didn’t love her, he told her I was closer to her sister, he said that I treated the sister better, he was always in her ear talking badly about me and until recently she couldn’t even mention it to me as she didn’t know what was real or true or what was going on.

This was the “MAN” greatest weapon in his relentless abuse of us, was the confusion. He would declare all kinds of love, run about doing nice things and then all of a sudden you are being attacked, you don’t know why but you know he is certain that you did something to deserve it.

I remember one time on holidays things had been bad before going and he made me think he had a memory issue and that he was scared that he had some kind of dementia. He made this up because always in his rages he would say the most awful thing and if you mentioned it afterwards he would tell you he never said it, he would pretend that you were crazy.

Summer 16 our youngest daughter was having a bad time and he said “Don’t you dare ever come to me with a problem”, “I do not want to know, if you have a problem keep it to yourself” . the eldest daughter and myself looked at him and said, that is the worst advise I have ever heard, you can’t tell a teenager or anyone that of they get into bother or have a problem that they can’t talk or they should keep it to themselves, only seconds had passed since he said it, yet he said he didn’t say it, and that he was being ganged up on. That was another layer to the abuse, he was always the victim, he was ganged up on, he was the outcast, just like he was at home, in school and in work.

95% of the time the abuse was metal and verbal but the other 5% of the time we were charged at, dragged, spat on, things thrown at, shoved and belted about. If he was violent he would say that one of us made him that mad so that he would cross the line and we’d get him into trouble and then we were labeled as dangerous. Again he was the victim somehow and one of us were trying to get him into trouble.
behind-the-abuse

Anything I looked forward to he made impossible. I remember being at a friend’s wedding and straight after the meal he went to the room, he started another rage and threatened to go back into the wedding and kick off if I dreamed of going back to enjoy myself. He was so bad I thought the hotel might call the guards or security, he was red in the face with rage and in the end I ended up hiding out in out daughters room next door in the bath to avoid him.

Our days became ones where we were confused, where we would write done things said or done because you knew you would be told he never said them and that your mad and over time you do start to question your own mind. He would lie and then accuse you, he would talk behind your back and one by one over time he alienated me. He had a problem with everyone. We would go out for a night and on the way home he would talk badly about the people we were out with, friends, family, people we worked with, it did not matter who, they were all bad in his book. In fact I have never heard him speak nicely about anyone ever. He talks about how badly his siblings parent, how boring anyone we have ever gone out with is, how his siblings all cheat on their partners, how useless his mother is, there is not one person I can pin point that he has ever had a nice word to say about.

I was not allowed to be sad on my mothers anniversary, I would be subjected to the worst rage if I showed any sadness. One time our youngest was away and myself and the eldest girl we subjected to 3 days and nights of non stop hell, no food was allowed, we were not allowed to talk to one another, if we tried to sleep we were screamed at or thrown out of  the bed, it was hell, and all because it was my mothers anniversary and he said my sadness was too much for him to deal with.

domestic-abuse

So why did it take me so long to wake up to the abuse?

Honestly this is a question I have asked myself 1000’s of times and it is not easy to answer but I will try.

I loved him, I loved the man he sold to me back in the early days, I loved the kindness he showed and I loved our family and I wanted more than anything for us to have a happy ending.

The rages and the madness I didn’t see coming, it was slow and progressive and with every blow up a bit more of me was gone, I questioned myself, I excused the abuse, I accepted that it was temporary and it would pass after he got the job etc etc etc

Never in a million years did I think that one year ago I would be on my bedroom floor waiting to end my life, but the abuse this “MAN” subjected me to had me there and it was only at this stage did I seek help for what I was living. I sent an email titled “I Think my Husband is Abusing me” , at this stage I was that confused and that manipulated and then buried in the web of abuse I could not see it for what it was.

It took 4 months from that email until he left.

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After the email and getting a reply I knew I had to talk to someone and I did, the first time I ever told anyone what I was living and I started with ” I am going to leave my husband”. I remember talking to the children and promising them I would leave him and telling them who I was about to talk to and even then it took me days to pluck up the courage and get into the car and call in to them.

I was ashamed that my children and I were being abused so badly. I believed him when he said that no one would ever listen to me, I believed that he would turn everyone against me and I would be even more alone that he already had me.

He would not allow me to have contact with family or friends, I would make arrangements but I would have to cancel them as he would kick off, one by one he stopped me having contact with people.

I always hoped things would get better, I dreamed of the happy ending but there was never going to be one with him.

Once I could begin to understand what I was living, I began to seek more advise and this helped so much.

If I hadn’t sought help after this day on my bedroom floor I honestly do not believe that I would be here today. It was a low like no other and one you never expect the man who declared his love for you to drive you to.

This “MAN” abused me emotionally, physically, sexually and mentally yet legally there is little to nothing that I can do so I will do what I can do. We without a doubt need laws in place to protect people from domestic abuse and domestic violence because right now there is very little.

I will seek the support and help that my children and I need to recover and we will go on to live full and happy lives.

I know this is a little all over the place and probably not the easiest read but I felt it must be shared.

Today 8 months on we are doing well, my eldest has seen the most positive effects of him leaving, her anxiety is low and she is loving life, the younger lady has suffered because he has continued his abuse of her, he lives 5 minutes from her but some how has found no time to do anything with her in 8 months, could not manage a call on Christmas day, a gift, a card, a message of good luck when she started her exams, a birthday gift etc etc and this has been tough on her.

I guess I am doing ok, I have good days and not so good days, It was never going to be easy but I see a bright life ahead, I know that the majority of people are amazing and kind and he is just one bad egg.

I can only describe these last few years as an emotional roller coaster and I could not be happier to be off it.

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A few things I remind myself of when I have a wobble are:

A man who can mentally abuse you does not value you

When someone sexually assault you he does not love you

Abuse comes in many forms but all are wrong

Someone who can walk past his own child in the street without saying hi is not a man

A “man” who can be red in the face with anger one second and be laughing on the phone the next is one to avoid

Look forward and never forget how far we have come

Know we deserve to be happy

Don’t even worry about the lies being told , they are just that and there is nothing you can do to stop them being told

Do not react to any bad behavior

Know that the person I am today this “man” would never have stood a chance with

Being called names on a daily basis, being scared and screamed at is hard to recover from but I know we can recover and the progress we have made in 8 months has been incredible and I know in another 8 months we will be even better.

Behind the Social Media Filters

If you think that you might be living any kind of abuse then please speak to someone 

Womens Aid 

Safe Ireland

Amen.ie (for men)

These are just a few of the many supports agency out there, you are not alone, it is not your fault and you have nothing to be ashamed of.

If you would like to chat to me then please snapchat me – Bloggerclarewth , Facebook – Clarewiththehair, Instagram – Clare with the Hair or email me clare@clarewiththehair.com

This is a very brief account of the abuse we were subjected to, over time I will go into each area in more detail, including life immediately prior to meeting my abuser.

Thank you for reading CMX

Connect with me on

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Twitter – @Clarewiththeha

About the author

ClareWithTheHair

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