Today I am here to share some pretty big news in my world. This is without a doubt My Most Open Post to Date, I though long and hard about this and I have shared so much with you over the last 5+ years it is only right I share this now.
Many of you are aware of the abuse that my ex subjected me to and for now I am parking this, I will come back soon but for now I have a few things I need to see to on this before I share where we are at.
Today I am bring you back to 2001. The hardest year of my life and one I would not want to live again.
My mum had been sick for sometime and in the spring of 2000 we were told my mum had maybe 6 months left to live. She was a smoker and suffered from CPOD – Chronic obstructive pulmonary disease, it is a nasty disease and for the most part avoidable but back in the days my mum began smoking there was no information about the dangers.
February – My Most Open Post to Date
In the February of 2001 I was pregnant with my second child. I was with someone a short period of time but I wasn’t upset by the pregnancy however at 9 weeks I miscarried and I found this far more traumatic than I could ever have imagined. I was in work and I began to bleed, I got into the car and went to drive into the Hospital (at this time I had not shared the news with anyone other than the Boyfriend), the BF was at work so I just got in and began driving but I was loosing a lot of blood and I felt weak so I pulled over and called the BF but I got no answer so I called a cab as I knew I could not carry on driving. Internal and Scan later it was confirmed I had miscarried. What hit me was the loss I felt, I never imagined it would feel so devastating but it was awful and what made it worse was not telling anyone. First of all I felt like a failure and in 2001 no one spoke about miscarriage, I took the weekend to recover and went straight back into work without sharing what happened with anyone other than the BF. Secondly I was grieving but I could not tell anyone.
March – My Most Open Post to Date
Mum was really not well from the moment we entered 2001, she struggled through Christmas and was non stop being rushed into the Hospital and on the 17th March she passed away at home.
She was very unwell in the days leading up to the 17th March 2001, could not eat very much, struggled with tea even (mum loved tea), she was sipping on food replacement shake from the Doctor but not much else. She was bloated from the fluid retention and she was hooked up to her oxygen from morning till night only taken breaks to use other equipment or go to the bathroom. She would have begun on Oxygen for 18 odd hours a day maybe 2-3 years previously. The morning prior to her passing she woke early and got Ellen her breakfast and when I woke they were at the kitchen table coloring. Ellen & I were staying with her as everyone else had gone to London for the long weekend. It was a lovely Friday morning. In the afternoon I dropped Ellen into her Dad’s house in town, there was an accident on the dual carriageway and mum phoned so many times asking when i’d be back. She did not say it but it was clear that she was worried being alone. I got back and all was ok, she was in good form and giggling at something on the telly.
That evening I had plans to meet the BF for dinner, I wasn’t going to go but mum said she was ok and to go. I did I went for dinner but was home two hours later. I remember pulling up outside and my sister phoned me, she said “I am working in the morning but if you want I can get a cab out to you and stay with ye tonight” I said, there is no need, mum is unwell but I have seen her worse before, I will be ok. I got out of the car and put the key in the door and I got a vision, this vision was that my mum had passed and was on the bathroom floor, I was petrified. I phoned the BF and told him what I’d seen and I called a friend to say the same, I just couldn’t bring myself to walk in but the friend said just do it, you can’t see through walls , cop on.
The most vivid vision that sacred me so much
I turned the key and heard the telly was on and mum was in the sitting room. She was in great form, asked how the dinner was and we chatted away. That evening we stayed up until after 4am, we sipped on a few drinks and mum went over all the things she wanted for her funeral, outfit she wanted to be buried in etc It was such a bitter sweet night. I feel so lucky to have had these hours with her. Mum was a private person and did not share much about her childhood, she was an only child and she lost both her parents in her teens but this night we talked and it was so lovely.
I moved mum’s equipment into her bedroom, set her up, sat on the bed chatting some more, mum directed me to items in her room that she wished to be buried with and a few moments later I went to bed.
The following morning I woke to the house phone ringing in the sitting room and I could hear mum’s equipment running. I got up to answer the phone and as I came out of the bedroom and looked to my right, I saw something I had seen 12 hours earlier as I placed the key in the lock, mum was there, on the bathroom floor. It was clear she was gone. The next few moments are a blur, I know the phone was ringing in the sitting room but I picked up my mobile and called the Boyfriend, he was 30 seconds away and I am not even sure what I said but in a flash he was in the house and he answered the phone, it was “my dad”, they somehow knew something was wrong and the BF broke the news to them. This day and the days following are not very clear to me but one big moment was when we buried my mum, that morning I broke up with the BF, I can’t even remember why.
April – My Most Open Post to Date
Then comes April 2001 and the next massive moment in this crazy year took place. My mum was replaced. The man she had spent just weeks shy of 35 years married to had replaced her, he had removed everything belonging to my mum from the house and this woman was walking around my mum’s home without a care in the world. It is something I will never understand. Of coarse life has to go on but not at this speed it does not and to be fair my mum was a lady, her replacement is a bight on society.
May – My Most Open Post to Date
You would think at this stage that not much else could happen, well you would be wrong in thinking this. In May of 2001, the news that the man who replaced my mum so quickly was not in fact my dad, my mum had an affair and along came me. This was broken to me in the middle of an argument, it was not delivered in what you could call a nice manner but it is what it is. I remember feeling unable to catch my breath, I could not understand how this year just kept coming at me, It was one hell after another.
A few weeks later the man who I thought was my dad my whole life told me in the middle of a bar who my biological father was, again I was taken by absolute surprise. I knew this person, I knew his family, they lived minutes from our first family home and he just blurted it out and walked away. I felt the room spin and I just had to sit.
I took the decision to not act on this information. He was married, he had children and there was no way I was going to bring this to him and his family. I do believe he is my natural father but there is nothing to be gained from me bringing this news to his family.
Weeks later the man who had been my father for more than 20 years took the decision to stop being dad. To this day we have not spoken and we never will.
This was the months leading up to meeting my abuser and in hindsight I should never have entered a relationship at this time, I was not in a position to make good decisions. I should have spoken to someone and got help to process the loss of my parents and the miscarriage but I was young , I was sacred and I was alone and my abuser was a night in shining armor. Enough about him but this leads me to the last part of this story.
I got married and changed my name from Mullins to McCarthy, but today neither seem right. I am not a Mullins and I am not a McCarthy. I struggled as to what to do here because Danielle is McCarthy and I did not want to have issues with us travelling on different surnames etc but since the separation we have spoken at length and we have decided that we will carry on having the same surname but it will not be McCarthy.
The reason this is My Most Open Post to Date
So we have taken the decision to take my mothers maiden name Clarkson. My mum Carol Clarkson, left us at just 53 years of age, she had no siblings and I can’t think of an more appropriate name for us to have than hers. My mum was one hell of a lady, hard working, caring, talented and beautiful and I owe it to her to carry her name on.
So from here on in I am Clare Clarkson and today I say a final farewell to the McCarthy name, it was like a rock tied to my neck and it brought me nothing but pain and suffering.
My very near dear friend Helen mentioned I should take my mum’s name ages ago so I thank her for this and I thank all of you for the continued support. This is a long post but I really felt I had to share the back story in order for you to understand the reason we have taken the name Clarkson.
If you made it all the way though then well done you
Until next time thank you for reading x